Dating Apps Suck... Until They Don't (And How to Make Them Work for You)

Ah, Valentine's Day. The season of overpriced prix-fixe dinners and couples posting #blessed selfies. But what if you're single and actually want to meet someone? Instead of feeling hopeful, you're dodging well-meaning friends asking, "Have you tried the apps?"—like it's some kind of magical fix.

If that's where you're at, you might be feeling:

Overwhelmed. Because let's be honest, swiping in 2025 feels like an extreme sport, and not everyone is ready for the Olympics.

Frustrated. "Have you tried this app? My friend met her boyfriend's cousin's coworker's dog walker on it!" (As if you haven't already downloaded and deleted every app twice.)

Just plain tired. Of the games, the small talk, and the endless cycle of hope and disappointment.

Let's get this out of the way: dating apps suck. But they're also how millions of people meet their partners—whether we like it or not.

Swipe Fatigue is Real

You swipe. You match. You chat. You wonder if this person is actually a bot or just really passionate about cryptocurrency and hiking photos from 2019. Then they disappear, or worse—ask if you "like adventures" but have zero plans beyond their couch and Netflix queue. It's exhausting.

And if you've ever thought, "There is no one good on these apps," you're not alone.

Here's what I see happening: We download dating apps hoping to find that perfect connection. We think we're doing the right thing. But often, we're swiping for all the wrong reasons.

We're swiping to cure loneliness. We're seeking validation through matches. We're hoping the right person will somehow make everything click into place.

And we're doing the thing we think we're supposed to do: casting a wide net. Being appealing to as many people as possible. Not being "too picky" or "too specific" because what if we miss out on someone great?

But here's the problem with that approach: when you try to appeal to everyone, you end up appealing to a whole lot of people. And ultimately, that translates into a lot of wasted time and conversations to sort through who really is a match.

My Dating App Comeback Tour

A year and a half ago, I decided to try dating apps again. I'd been on them before with zero success—just the usual parade of dead-end conversations and people who thought "hey" counted as an opener.

But this time, something was different. And that something was me.

I made a decision: I was going to be aggressively, unapologetically myself. Not the polished, broadly-appealing version. The actual me, quirks and all.

Here's what that looked like in practice:

I Got Brutally Specific About What I Wanted

Not in a "must be 6'2" with a trust fund" way. But in a "here's what actually matters to me in a partnership" way.

I knew what I was looking for. I knew what I wasn't willing to tolerate. And instead of keeping that vague to avoid "scaring people off," I put it right in my profile.

I Listed My Deal-Breakers

Not as a mean-spirited rant, but as a filter. If someone read my profile and thought "yikes, not for me," that was the system working. I was saving us both time.

I wasn't trying to get the most matches. I was trying to get the right ones.

I Let My Personality Actually Show Up

I'm quirky. I'm sarcastic. I have weird interests and strong opinions and a sense of humor that doesn't land for everyone.

So I wrote my profile the way I actually talk. I didn't try for perfection or polish. I tried for me.

If someone read it and thought "this person is too much," perfect. They were right. I am too much—for them. But for the right person? I'd be exactly enough.

I Highlighted My Quirks Instead of Hiding Them

The things I usually downplay or apologize for? I led with them.

Because here's the thing: if someone isn't willing to consider your biggest quirks upfront, they're definitely not going to tolerate them three months in. Better to know now.

What Happened Next

Within 24 hours of putting up this new profile, a very interesting profile landed in my inbox.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say I thought they were a catfish. They seemed too good to be true. The profile was exactly what I was looking for, the messages were thoughtful and funny, and they actually seemed like a fully-formed adult human with interests and plans.

Suspicious, right?

But I stayed myself anyway. I'm naturally outgoing and direct, so I was fully and completely that version of me in our conversations. No playing it cool, no strategic waiting to respond, no carefully curated version of myself.

And it turned out they were too good to be true in the best possible way: they were real. Very, very real.

The person I'm with now is someone I would have 100% missed if I'd been trying to cast a wide net. Our profiles were so specific that we essentially found each other in a sea of generic "I like to travel and try new restaurants" bios. 

What Actually Works (From Someone Who Made It Work)

If you're exhausted by dating apps but still want to meet someone, here's what I learned:

Stop Trying to Appeal to Everyone

The right person for you isn't looking for a vague, broadly-appealing profile. They're looking for someone specific. Someone who sounds like a real person with actual preferences and personality.

Your job isn't to get the most matches. It's to get the right ones.

Be Obnoxiously Clear About What You Want

Not just "someone kind and funny." Everyone wants that. What do YOU specifically want in a partnership?

Someone who values deep conversations over small talk? Someone who's as obsessed with their hobbies as you are with yours? Someone who understands that your idea of adventure is trying a new recipe, not jumping out of planes?

Say it. Out loud. In your profile.

List Your Deal-Breakers

I know, I know. It feels negative. It feels like you're being too picky.

But would you rather waste three months discovering someone's idea of "planning ahead" is deciding what to have for dinner at 9pm? Or would you rather filter for someone who actually aligns with how you live?

Your deal-breakers aren't flaws in your character. They're boundaries. Use them.

Let Your Weird Flag Fly

Whatever makes you "you"—the things you usually downplay because they're "too much" or "too weird" or "too specific"—lead with those.

Love spending Friday nights reorganizing your bookshelves? Say it. Have strong opinions about the correct way to load a dishwasher? Own it. Prefer staying in over going out 90% of the time? Make it clear.

The right person won't be scared off by your quirks. They'll be relieved you're being honest about them.

Show Up As Yourself From Day One

When you match with someone, don't suddenly become the Cool Girl or the Chill Guy who's fine with anything and never has opinions.

Be yourself. Be the version of you that your close friends know. Why? There’s no point in hiding you … over time you’re going to show up. And if the person you’ve matched with doesn’t like … you? … then you’ve just wasted a lot of time. 

The Real Secret

Here's what nobody tells you about dating apps: they're not broken. But they work completely differently than we think they do.

We treat them like a lottery—swipe enough times and maybe you'll get lucky. But they're actually more like a filter. The more specific your filter settings, the better your results.

And if the filter turns up empty?

That's okay. Empty for now isn't empty forever. And while you're waiting? Fall in love with yourself and your life that much more. Because when the right match does show up, you'll have that much more to offer—and you won't be settling out of desperation or loneliness.

The question isn't "How do I get more matches?"

The question is "How do I get matches with people I'd actually want to date?"

And the answer is: Be so specifically yourself that the wrong people swipe left and the right people swipe right with intention.

A Final Thought

Look, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted by the whole process before I figured this out. I'd given up more than once, and I was telling myself I didn't even want a relationship anymore—mostly to protect my own feelings.

And yes, people love to say 'you don't need someone to be happy' or 'it'll happen when you stop looking.' Those things might be true, but they're not particularly helpful when you're actively trying to meet someone.

Here's what I know: It's okay to want to be with someone. It's also okay to not exhaust yourself in the process.

The right person is out there. They might even be looking at your profile right now.

The real question is: Are they seeing the real you, or a version you think they want to see?

Because I promise you—the real you is what they're actually looking for.

Happy Valentine's Day. Whether you're swiping, celebrating, or ignoring the whole thing entirely—love yourself. Wherever you are.