Dating After 40: Trusting Your Gut is NOT Pickiness. (And why “maybe he’ll surprise me” is not a good dating strategy.)
We’ve all been there: dinner date, gamely nodding while convincing yourself this guy might have potential. Hmmm… no spark? That could just be nerves (or low blood sugar). He’s monopolizing the conversation? Maybe he’s just passionate. His manners? Somewhere between frat house and feral raccoon, but hey, maybe he’s just quirky. And the way he insults all his exes? Definitely not a flashing neon sign that you’re next. Probably just... sarcasm?
Meanwhile, your teenage daughter says your standards are “extra.” Your relatives suggest you're being a little too selective. And your happily married friends chirp, “Just have fun with it!”
Bless.
But here’s the deal:
You’re not “too extra.” You’re not “too picky.” And let’s be honest — you’re not exactly having fun out there either. You’ve simply reached a point in your life where your time is too valuable to waste on situations your inner wisdom already knows aren’t right.
That little voice you used to ignore?
She’s speaking up.
And this time, you’re listening.
Is it Really Wisdom — or Just a Bad Case of Indigestion?
In your twenties and thirties, you were delightfully accommodating — by which I mean, a human pretzel in heels. You gave everyone a chance. You called red flags “quirks.” You explained away tantrums with “he’s still maturing” and convinced yourself that your needs were probably too much anyway.
But then life happened.
Maybe divorce taught you a few things.
Maybe watching your kids grow up gave you a crash course in healthy dynamics.
Or maybe you just woke up one Tuesday and realized being “easygoing” had slowly erased you.
Now that part of you that used to override your gut?
She’s officially retired.
And the part that actually notices how someone makes you feel?
She’s running the show — and she’s got notes.
What used to feel like chemistry was often just cleverly disguised anxiety.
👉 The “passionate” guy? Now clearly just allergic to listening.
👉 And the one who’s “fine, just needs time”? Your nervous system spots him from three zip codes away.
That’s not pickiness.
That’s your internal GPS saying: “Let’s find a more direct route this time, shall we?”
Picky vs. Wise — Let’s Break It Down
Picky:
“He drives a beige sedan and brought me grocery store tulips. Like … who does that?”
Wise:
“Being around him makes me want to hide who I am. Also, I want to throw up a little. Life’s too short for that nonsense.”
Picky = preferences.
Wise = peace.
When you’re operating from wisdom, you notice what younger you used to bulldoze right through:
How conversations feel only slightly less painful than poking pencils in your ears
How your energy tanks after every “wyd?” text
How you start apologizing for your feelings instead of just having them
You may not have the perfect words for it (because Trust Your Gut 101 somehow never made the curriculum cut in the 90s), but you know.
And finally — you trust that knowing.
Spoiler: Second-Guessing Yourself Still Doesn’t Count as Cardio
Because old programming loves to whisper:
“You’ll end up alone if you’re this choosy.”
“Just give him more time.”
“Maybe you’re the problem.”
“Lower your expectations.”
That’s not your gut.
That’s fear on repeat, because you know that song by heart.
Let’s be real: If you have to shrink who you are to make it work, you’re not in a relationship — you’re solo at a cosplay event that you didn’t notice you’d purchased tickets to.
Settling isn’t noble.
And loneliness doesn’t vanish when you abandon yourself to keep someone else around — it just gets quieter… while gnawing away at your peace (and possibly confusing you with hunger).
What You Get to Want (Spoiler: The Good Stuff)
At this stage of life, you don’t just get to have preferences.
You get to have standards.
Big. Glorious. Non-negotiable standards.
You get to want:
Conversations that energize you
Someone who sees your complexity and thinks “jackpot,” not “project”
A life partner — not a fixer-upper with emotional plumbing issues
Joy, ease, and someone who doesn’t treat vulnerability like a TED Talk they missed
They don’t have to be perfect — perfect is boring (and probably lying).
But they will feel right.
Because you’re no longer gaslighting your gut to make someone else more comfortable.
Your Inner Compass: The Friend You’ve Been Muting
That quiet “meh” feeling?
That’s not you being picky.
That’s your intuition saying, “Abort! Abort! We’ve done this dance before — and it’s exhausting.”
You don’t need to silence her.
You need to thank her for collecting receipts.
She’s been watching how certain people make your chest tighten, your mind spin, and your voice shrink — and now she’s saying, “No more, babe. Move along. We’ve upgraded.”
This isn’t pickiness.
It’s presence.
It’s finally honoring your nervous system instead of overriding it.
And when you do?
You stop attracting people who need fixing.
You stop clinging to connections that cost your peace.
You become unavailable for anything less than joy, safety, and mutual awe.
The Delightful Truth About Standards
What if you’re not “too much”?
What if you’ve just outgrown the part of you that accepted “fine” when you really wanted fantastic?
What if all those less-than-right relationships were actually training camp — and now you’re ready for the real thing?
Your standards aren’t too high.
They’re finally aligned with your worth.
You’re not too picky.
You’re just finally wise enough to know that a “maybe” isn’t good enough anymore.
And honestly?
That’s worth popping a bottle of something bubbly, lighting a candle, and toasting your beautiful, no-BS self.
